For everyone else–on the outside looking in–it’s been nine months.
For us, it’s every day.
And it’s hard, not to feel forgotten. It’s hard not to be angry. It’s hard not to be jealous of the other couples who are “normal” when we are “other”. It’s hard not to ask others why they no longer care. It’s hard not to yell at the world and ask “where is our miracle?” It’s hard to reach acceptance. Because this–this is a grieving process.
When people talk about this process of grieving they act like you progress through them in a day. Like it’s easy, one and done, time to move on. That could not be further from the truth.
For Caleb and I, we are grieving for our former life. For all the times he picked me up, all the times we threw the football, for every time we walked through Lucy Park. Thinking of those times is hard and it is painful and most of the time, I don’t want to think about it. I want to push it off, stuff those feelings back in, and move on with my day. That’s been easy to do for the most part. I just focus on whatever task is at hand. It’s easy, in the initial months after a tragic event, to put your head down and focus on Getting It Done. It’s easy to use the momentum of healing and progressing and needing to keep moving forward to avoid sitting down and Feeling all your Feelings.
Except that now, we have reached a plateau. There is no more task at hand. There is no more physical therapy, no more being surrounded by people who want to help. We’ve been through it all already. So now, we start another kind of healing– emotional and spiritual.
And here, I have to be blunt. Because this a blog about truth and not about sweet sugar coats and roses.
It takes a village.
There all kinds of things you need a village for. Raising children, overcoming loss, making it through life in general. Sometimes, though, the village doesn’t care.
So there is no village.
We get along great on our own. We go to the movies and work out and take our puppy on “walkies”. We love to go out to eat and spend time together. I know we have lots of people who wish us well and pray for us, and for that I am thankful.
Check back next week for a look into a day in our life.